Japan, You...man, you were so close.

Did you ever watch a game show where the contestant absolutely kicks ass for the first round, Routes the second, and looks so promising in the bonus... only to fail as miserably as possible? And you know that when they go home all of their friends are like "how'd you miss that last question, Steve?" and Steve probably tries to play it off, with "oh, I'm happy I made it that far, it was a great experience." but deep down he's kicking himself for thinking that Sydney was the capital of Australia, so now he drinks himself to sleep every night - forever hearing that sad "you lose" music that haunts all failed game show contestants.

Well...in certain respects, Japan is that guy.

Allow me to explain. Japan is an amazing country overflowing with a rich history, a storied culture, and much to be admired by all people. But the Japanese work ethic is....well.....more ravenous than the 6 O'clock rush at the Tallahassee Golden Coral. As such they don't half-ass anything. Which -like Japan itself - is both admirable, and leads to strange versions of normal things.

Say for example Pizza. Stolen from the Italian Pizza Pie, pizza is an American staple that's well loved the world over. Whether you're getting a slice at a local favorite, or using that coupon for free cheese-sticks at Poppa John's - you pretty much know what you're getting into. Some kind of bread, Tomato sauce, cheese and some kind of topping. What do you get on your pie? Pepperoni? Mushrooms? Onions, peppers? Or maybe you think yourself adventurous and order a Hawaiian? How do you fuck up something so Simple?

The answer: Mayonaise. Well, not just Mayonaise...

Pizza in Japan is this horrific cacophony of things god never intended to be on a damn pizza. I've been here for 10 months and hardly seen a slice not slathered in mayo, speckled with corn, and toped with some kind of fish. What's that you say, you like fish? That doesn't sound so bad? Well good, you can have a fine fish slurry instead of tomato sauce. But fish isn't strange enough? No problem, just load some squid on top of that slice and your good to go. It's not all bad actually. Curry Pizza is a surprisingly awesome alternative to your typical "Italian Sauce, Bread" meal. Except when it's covered in eggplant, hard boiled eggs and carrots. You can pick one of those up at Pizza Hut. Hell, if you did you could get a seaweed, lemon rind, and sausage for half price.

How about movies you say? Almost single handedly keeping the economy of California alive for decades, movies represent an escape from the pressures of reality on a level unprecedented in the world of modern fiction. A night at the movies is the golden standard of first dates for young couples, shoot the government even picks a handful of films every year to place in a national vault to preserve them in the event that the aliens destroy all video stores in the world (or something, I kinda detest the notion of government art). Shoot, there's a reason that every social networking and dating website has a tab for musical preference. (I suppose twitter breaks that rule, but twitter serves the duality of being simultaneously minimalist and mind bogglingly invasive). So what does Japan do wrong here?

The Answer; cut and paste movies

Every few months there is a new vogue for movie motifs. Currently its the pseudo-slapstick homoerotic coming of age sports drama. There have been several of this ilk coming out around every few months or so. When we first arrived it was manga adaptations which was mildly interesting (hell I still want to see the 21st Century boys trilogy). Then there's the unnecessary adulation for western film stars. Especially Brad Pitt and Cameron Diaz, who are on billboards, tv commercials and subway adds everywhere promoting cellphones, cars, etc. On the other hand, there are some positives. The animation industry is totally legit and produces some works of art that are more compelling than anything live action; we get a decent amount of foreign films here that I might not've been able to see in the states; and hell movie theater pop-corn is cheap as sin (about a buck fifty for a large - read american medium - bag of popcorn). Of course popcorn would have to be cheap - it costs 20 bucks per ticket for a daytime showing. Yeah that's right, and guess what, they're all daytime shows - the damn theater closes at 9. That's not the last showing, thats the time the employees go home.

The last thing I'll mention is not so kid friendly, but hey I guess it is my blog. Sexuality - that is to say dating and mating and all the accoutrement that comes with it. In the states, most of Europe, latin America...pretty much everywhere except Asia and the Middle-east, affections can and often are displayed publicly. It's not uncommon to hear people say "I love you," or for people to openly discuss relationship issues. When people are attracted to one another - typically - one of the people involved makes some kind of suggestively sexy gesture to let the other person know that they are interested. In modern times women have grown to be about as aggressive in their pursuits as men - at times even more so. I know what you're saying. But Asian women are beautiful and exotic! How could they mess something up in the sexuality area?

In a word: Temerity.

I bet someone thought I was going to say tentacles. People in Japan can be quite physically attractive. The men are typically well built, and girls have a penchant for wearing short skirts and thigh high stockings. But the thing is, people just don't seem to know the difference between awkwardly suggestive and sexy. No lie, you see )ahem( girly magazines that are littered with bust girls in some sort of coitus-anticipating pose, and often covered in some form of translucent liquid - but they would be drawn. As for the live action women on the magazine next to that one? Well she has this awkward mix of fear and boredom in her eyes that doesn't exactly scream "hello boys." If I had to find a reason, perhaps it's because people in Japan are wickedly polite. So small surprise that all aspects of people's love lives are a touch restrained. People don't say I love you...like, seemingly ever. There's been a rash of older age divorce because retiring husbands realize they don't actually know much about their wives - since they spent all their time at work, and no time at home. Being spoken for, I don't know much about J-dating first hand, but I have it on good authority that "doing the do" with a Japanese man is a touch....jarring - and thanks to some very thin walls, I now know that ladies' (at least some of them) behaviour during the act is not unlike that in Japan's "Adult" cinema - which is to say full of crying. Yes, crying. Now aint that sexy?

Japan is still an amazing place, and I love so much about this country. Yet, sometimes you just want to pat it on the head and treat it like the kindergardener who got so excited to paint a rainbow that he mixed all of the colors into one gloppy brown mess that looks like a shit-smear smiley face with no eyes.: "Hey, good try, kid. Maybe next time, just settle down a little."