Top 10 Tim Burton Films (part 2)

Been a long time coming but I've finally forced myself to do this:

Man it's been a while, but Im gonna give this whole blogging thing another shot since everyone else at work seems able to juggle a personal and professional writing career. Might as well start by finishing something I had intended to do way back before I saw Burton's Alice In Wonderland (which would totally knock Edward Scissorhands out of the top 10)

5. Charley and the Chocolate Factory, 2005

THis is one that I get a lot of shit for because, though it's a kid's movie, its also kind of a bad kid;s movie. BUt I think the movie suffers from unrealistic expectations. Anyone over the age of 18 compares this Johnny Depp vehicle to the Gene Wilder classic that dominated our Thanksgiving and Easter holiday weekends as kids. But the 2005 Tim Burton Willy Wonka outing is a whole different animal.

This version is closer to the book, as far as my sixth grade recollection of it goes, and offers up a really glowing performance from J-Dilla, crafting Wonka as a bizarro manchild that's as much pedophilic superstar Michael Jackson as it is Depps own uber-emotional, yet dramatically underscored Edward Scissorhands. In all its a damn solid movie, unless you're a total asshole. Sure the songs aren't as good as the original and the Umpa Lumpa scenes are all pretty week, but it does feature a more compelling cast that actually makes the kids seem like total dickholes and worthy of whatever horrible shit befalls them. Case in point Augustus Gloop, the fat kid who in the original seems like a normal kid who happens to look like a pot roast, but in this one we get to see him straight hating on Charley and then we don't feel bad when his corpulant ass gets sucked up in that tube.

Also in this one we see the kids leave the factory alive, something they never touched on in the original, leading a whole generation of children to think Wonka straight murdered 4 children and probably their parents, lest they tell the press.

4. Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, 1985

If you grew up in the 80s and don't absolutely love this movie, then I'm afraid that you are an irredeemably terrible human being deserving of only the worst things that life could ever thrust upon an individual. This movie is an irreplaceable part of my childhood and no amount of Masturbating in a porn theater will erase that.

Pee-Wee is an American institution, and a staple for anyone interested in entertaining children. With the Big Adventure, Pee Wee brought all the zaniness of his show and made it into an adventure film that really cannot be beat. From Pee-Wee's trip tot he Alamo to the straight-out-of-the-Twilight-Zone Large Marge segment, this movie is heavily layered with awesome. No one under the age of 25 didn't want Pee-Wee's bike, or his Rube Goldberg breakfast maker with goddamn Mr. T cereal or his whole damn house complete with Halloween decorations year round, a window that looks out into a fishtank and fucking firepole. This movie is everything that's awesome about being 8 years old, except being old enough to appreciate it, and it still holds up today.

On a side note, this movie also features some of Burton's most frightening work to date. I still know people that are afraid of the evil Dr. Clowns destroying Pee-Wee's Bike.

3. Mars Attacks, 1996

This is another one that I feel gets a bad rap, even though its an awesome movie. Here we have one of the only times that Burton has been asked to reimagine someone else's intellectual property into something awesomer than its source material. This time it was Topps Baseball Cards' series of fantasy Martian invasion cards. Sure it was kind of an excuse to cram a bunch of c-list celebs into an overblown and mildly crappy Jack Nicholsen venture. Indeed, the movie features Jack Black, Kristina Applegate, Glenn Close, Pierce Brosnan, the nose from Sex and the City, Martin Short, Waldo, several french people, a dude with Parkinsons, young Natalie Portman and of course Jack Nicholsen doing his best Peter Sellers in three separate roles.

I think what I love about it is how silly and openly ridiculous it allows itself to be, particularly when compared to the fucking dung heap that was Independence Day (also 1996). The movie is a solid hour and a half of cracks on the conventions of the genre, and provides possibly the most memorable role for a Slim Whitman song since that one awkward Barnd Dance when the term Kissing Cousins was coined.


2. Ed Wood, 1994

Ed Wood may be a comedy by trade, but it is really Burton's first truly emotional film and most of that comes from the dually brilliant performances from Johnny Depp and most of all Martin Landau as Bela Lugosi. As one might expect of a biopic that details the auteur behind Glen or Glenda and Plan 9 from Outer Space, plenty of funny shit happens in this movie - especially when the ever brilliant Bill Murray is on screen. Yet what sticks with you afterwards isn't the crossdressing scenes, or the fake octopus or even George the Animal Steel's awesome turn as Tor Johnson.

No, the heart and soul of this movie is the often sweet and frequently uncomfortable relationship between Landau's Bela and Depp/Wood. As the film progresses and Bela gets more on the phine, we actually feel his pain and when the poor old man passes away as lonely and heartbroken as one can imagine, only a pretentious indie douche would pretend not to be moved. This doesn't really fit the overall oeuvre of Burton, but it's departure from his norms shows that Tim can turn on the emotion when he needs to.

1. BeetleJuice, 1988

Easily one of my favorite films of all time, Beetlejuice defies you not to enjoy it, it fucking dares you. The film stars Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis (no seriously, look it up).as a fuddy duddy couple that dies in a car accident only to emerge as ghosts in their old home. Low and behold 80s yuppie douchebags move into the house and thats when hilarity ensues.

Defying all logic, Michel Keaton manages to steal the whole damn show and be hilarious in the process as a bio-exorcist ghost employed by the recently deceased to rid their home of the yuppie douches Yes, that Michael Keaton. I know, I think he sucks too, but his turn as Beetlejuice is like a how-to in zany ridiculous characters

From start to end, there's a lot to love in this movie. The visual aesthetic is simultaneously creepy, cartoony and ridiculous, the acting is steadily strong and then there's the songs. Oh the songs! This movie managed to revive the career of Harry Belafonte with its half mocking-half tribute song selection.

Much like Pee-Wee, Beetlejuice perfectly straddles the line between silly enough for kids and awesome enough for everyone, and that dichotomy is so seemless and unforced, that the film could serve as a master class on how to make a family film without it being total bullshit. Bravo to all involved, even Keaton for this - his one defensible performance!

Top 10 Tim Burton Films (part 1)

I've got ideas to revamp this blog in the coming weeks but it would probably do me good to get some more free form writing under my belt before launching any new ideas. It's kinda hard to switch from the writing I do at work and the writing I do for fun, so an article that relies less on my concentration and is just kinda fun. Movie reviews may become a fixture of this blog in the future, but this one comes straight from a conversation held at work.

TIm Burton is one of those weird auteurs who everyone has an opinion on. He's like mainstream unusual which gives alot of his work this odd duality between hipster kids who are too cool to like his more popular pieces to just average "dude" types who dig his work on sci-fi and action films. Fortunately their both going to be represented on my list. Omitted are the movies I haven't seen (like Big Fish or the new Alice in Wonderland), and a I've avoided anything he hasn't either directed or produced. So without further ado we kick off the list with...

10. Edward Scissorhands, 1990
The thing about listing 10 movies you've seen from any particular director, writer or actor, you'll include some that you don't really care for. Case in point this overrated piece of cinematic nostalgia that anyone old enough to have seen in the theater has worked into a classic that it most certainly is not. It's not that the movie is bad, and given the day and age it came out in, it's actually quite unique, but i feel like artfully crafted movies about odd but endearing loners get a free pass too often at theaters, Edward Scissorhands is a super fuckin' pretty movie, the visualizations are beautiful, but the acting is stolid and the story is completely background to the window-dressing that is Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder. It would be a solid meh to this film if the aggrandizement that surrounds it didn't make me want to hate it.

9. The Nightmare Before Christmas, 1993
Here's another one that I think gets an undue amount of praise, and has completely been hijacked by the Hot Topic crowd, alas it is a solid movie and easily the best christmas cartoon produced in the past 40 or 50 years (not that it has much competition). Though Burton didn't direct or write this one, his signature visuals are all over it and are a character all unto themselves. The songs are great, and it's not without it's jokes that still crack me up when I catch them on TV, but admittedly I chose this movie because it produced one of the best levels in the Kingdom Hearts series.

8. Sleepy Hollow, 1999
I was a big fan of the Disney Cartoon, and I remember enjoying the book when we read it in eighth grade but this movie still failed to fully impress. I think I took issue with the reimagination of Ichabod Crane as some sort of forensic scientist and criminal investigator. He was supposed to be a harmless bookworm, not some clever cop. Still, Burton's visual style is captivating, Christina Ricci turns in one of her more interesting performances and WALKEN!!!!! Those teeth alone are good enough to hit number 8 on this list.

7. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, 2007
I don't know if my loose misogyny is hint enough, but I'm not the biggest musical guy. I mean sure I love to dance, I do Karaoke, and I enjoy getting into costumes....maybe I am a musical guy, who knows. In any case the movie holds one of my favorite performances by Johnny Depp and proves that Sacha Baron Cohen is more than shtick. Alan Rickman is great in everything (yes, everything) and Helena Bonham Carter is pretty consistent. I liked the music as well and the setting had Burton's signature design scheme, its relatively low rating on this list is more indicative of the quality that comes after this , as ...

6. Batman, 1989
I think the placement of Batman at number 6 may surprise some people I know given my proclivity towards all things nerdy, nevertheless It is - in my honest Opinion - Burton's 6th best movie, and yes it is still pretty awesome. When I was a kid I must have had every toy that came out after this movie, to this day I can still quote complete nonsequitors apropos of nothing: "Hey Eckhart, think of the Future," "Look at this, Gotham's Greed" "He must have been king of the wicker people", etc. Robert Wuhl aside, this movie was a cherished part of my childhood and still holds up a bit. Parts are pretty stupid, but jack Nicholson's portrayal of the Joker is Iconic, Keaton is a terrible Bruce Wayne but a solid Batman, and Prince! The action and comedy don't really suit Burton's style, and the film appears to have been lit entirely by an indiglo watch, but It's the goddamn Batman, and I would (and have) watched anything that he has inspired or had anything to do with,

My 5 Favorite Zombie Movies of all Time (Part 2: The Un-Deathening)

As promised here is the continued list of my all-time favorite Zombie movies.

2). Dawn of the Dead (1978)
This movie really needs no introduction but, for those whose cave-side apartments on Mars are without digital cable, this is the sequel to George Romero's "Night of the Living Dead." The Zombie apocalypse has been taking hold across the country for several weeks and a group of survivors holes up in a shopping mall to try and ride it out. In the mall they find a shopper's paradise: an unmonitored buffet of all things material. They ultimately learn the isolation that getting everything you ever wanted brings, just before they are shown the wanton destruction of mankind as a group of Bandits successfully destroys the peace they had overcome the undead to find. The film, shot entirely on location at a shopping mall in Pennsylvania, has a satirical edge that masterfully blends the blatant and subtle in what could have easily been another mindless gore-fest. Witness Francine demanding an equal stake in the control of the room (a move allegedly stemming from Gaylen Ross' insistence that she not be another Damsel in Distress) or the famous helicopter decapitation scene and you realize the film has a potential for earnest character moments and over-the-top splatter. Legend has it there was an alternate ending, written but never filmed, which would feature a second helicopter decapitation as well as Peter(the Male lead)'s suicide - but it was deemed too disturbing to shoot. Sadly we'll never know how that would've worked out. The movie is not without it's faults -it's a touch long (especially in some of the cuts on the special edition DVD), some of the side character's are brazen caricatures at best - but overall, this is pound for pound the BEST thing George Romero's name has ever been attached to. (All apologies to his children, maybe if I met you I would give you the edge over the film) The movie also stands proudly alongside the Thing From Another World (1951), as one of the only horror movies with an enjoyable remake. Oh, and I would also be remiss if I did not mention the Amazing Effects/acting work of a young Mr. Tom Savini. The Shotgun scene in the opening slums sequence will knock you straight on your ass. All this from a dirt cheap production in 1978. Bravisimo!

So here we are at number 1, but before I deliver the Coup de gracie some honorary mentions:
Best use of Zombies in a non-horror scenario: Shawn of the Dead (2004)
I truly feel sorrow if you haven't seen this movie at this point in your life. The tag line on the poster declared is "A romantic comedy.... with zombies!" and that's exactly what you get. It's funny and brutal and rises above the culture barrier (Britain - US) effortlessly. Go Rent it!
Best use of Zombies in a non cinematic endeavor: Robert Kirkman's The Walking Dead
I started reading this comic when Japanese TV became too much, and what I found was an amazingly compelling character drama featuring the dystopic end of the world scenario I've come to expect from my zombie fiction. The art is great and there's great action pieces, but what keeps bringing me back is the writing. These are real people, fully developed emotionally, and they react and interact as such. You see men cry, women die, and children act with a bold sense of heroism - all things typically avoided in similar works of fiction, Kirkman isn't afraid to go there. If this is the end, then bring it on!
Good Movies Disqualified for not featuring real zombies: 28 Days Later, REC
Not Zombies, Nuff Said.

And without further ado,

1). Zombi 1979
Zombie has maybe three different titles depending on when and where you say the film, but I've always known it as "Lucio Fulci's Zombi." Lucio Fulci is the master of Italian horror movies, having crafted works of the macabre that are both disturbing (Zombie Hell House) and beautiful (Suspiria), but always leave an impression. With Zombi, Fulci thought he was making a sequel (of sorts) to Dawn of the Dead - hence it is often listed as Zombi 2. In the movie, a woman seeks to find her missing father in the Carribbean - enlisting the help of a journalist and two American (read, Italian) vacationers to ferry her to the mysterious Island where was last seen. What they find is an island overrun by the walking dead. While the film has the intense spirit of DOD, it does away with the satire in favor of balls-out terror. The real star of the film is the gore. While Romero's zombies (read, Savini's zombies) were - for the most part - actors in blue or gray face makeup, Fulci's zombies are gross machinations of rotted flesh, twisted sinew and dried blood. The attacks are gruesome to say the least. One scene in particular has become quite nefarious as a sort of horror litmus test of your mettle. And it's far from the only memorable scene in the film. Yes that was a Shark. Yes, he was fighting a zombie. Yes, that is awesome. I also really dig the cheezy synth that floods the film, it adds an uneasy quality to the movie that is hard to recreate with more conventional music - particularly the total ass-rock that tends to accompany modern horror movies. More than anything that stands out, this movie is legitimately scary... in a sort of time-release manner. While viewing it's not scary, immediately following it's not scary - but maybe 2 days later when you're sitting alone in your house - THATS when the fear hits. The mood is haunting and that's really what you want in a horror movie - a lasting impression; a feeling of unease for days; nightmares.

My 5 Favorite Zombie Movies of all Time (Part 1)

I made a comment the other day that Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan is the most 80's horror movie of all time. It's a cacophonous mess of a film, but everything from the script to the soundtrack, to the wardrobe, to the setting just screamed "I voted for Reagan twice." It's as if the movie were filmed in a glossy haze of hair product. Yet, knowing that I'm a bit of a horror movie buff, a friend of mine followed up this comment by asking me what proved to be a rather thought provoking question about my favorites. Specifically, what are my favorite Zombie movies.

Zombies are totally my genre when it comes to horror, so I'm a bit opinionated when it comes to these films. As a result, it was actually pretty difficult for me to fully populate the list (obviously some were easy choices, but others proved a challenge to narrow down), but I think the thing about any genre horror piece is that it has to follow a set of rules. For the first rule of this list: the zombies must be undead monsters. Not diseased people (28 days later), not trance induced slaves (I walked with a zombie) - not inhuman creations (the golemn). Just walking dead people. Number 2....well actually there is no number two. I'm incredibly flexible on what the status quot implied by the term zombie is EXCEPT that a zombie MUST be the walking dead. That's the fear, that's the hook - that's what makes it a damn Zombie. Voodoo, aside - the popularity of zombies as a horror movie convention was largely defined by George Romero in his seminal work, "The Night of the Living Dead" The formula can be tweaked, and modified a bit, but this one basic tenant is all that I ask. Zombies are cannibalistic corpses. That's not to discredit the quality of these other movies (particularly the aforementioned "28 days later" and Wes Craven's "the Serpent and the Rainbow") just to limit their credentials as "Zombie" movies.

Well Without Further ado:
5). The Reanimator (1985)
The Reanimator tells the story of Herbert West, a med student who magically discovers that glow sticks can revive the recently deceased if injected soon after death. He and his lab partner try to perfect the formula, while the evil Dean Halsey (why are college deans always stodgy, evil old men in movies like this?) tries to steal their formula for himself. Of course lots of people get all kinds of dead, and then - dun dun dun - Reanimated! This movie is a great mix of silliness and seriousness, and that's where it's strengths really lie. The first zombie we see is quite a Jolt, and legitimately disturbing (ooh, great gore effects for 1985, - even the undead cat was pretty legit) - but as the story progresses, the film's tone shifts ever so slightly toward the wonderfully absurd. Bowling bags become means of transport, gut's are quite routinely torn and devoured, and there's a "getting head" visual-pun that is so delightfully cringe worthy that it has gained a notoriety divorced of the film itself - even mentioned in the best picture of 2000, American Beauty.

4). Planet Terror (2007)
From the moment I heard about the concept of the "Grindhouse" double feature from Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, I knew I would love it. Thankfully, it did not disappoint. Planet Terror follows Go go dancer Cherry Darling (Rose McGowan in the Role that made me love her again), her ex-boyfriend, Wray (an excellent Freddy Rodriguez) and an assortment of other random people in rural Texas as they deal with a plague of Zombies, and evil Bruce Willis led military separatists. This film is GLORIOUSLY over the top - and I love it! Fergie has her brain's eaten out, Quentin Tarantino's wedding tackle literally melts off his body, and -of course - Cherry Darling's severed leg is replaced with a fully functional AR15 machine gun. I think one of the glories of this movie is the legitimate actors who revel in the chance to spew schlock worthy of Roger Corman. Naveen Andrews ("I need Your balls, sweetheart"), Josh Brolin (Now I'm gonna eat your brains to gain your knowledge."), and -most memorably - Bruce Willis ("where's...the......Shit.") match tough guy bravado and gravelly voices with onscreen antics one can only safely refer to as ludicrous. This movie also gets bonus points for featuring Tom Savini in a speaking role. Thatta boy, Tommy!

3). Return of the Living Dead (1985)
Return of the Living dead was the first Punk Rock horror movie. In it a chemical released from an old military barrel reanimates the dead of a small town in Kentucky. A warehouse manager and his trainee are the first to discover the chemical's effects when a naked yellow corpse hops off a meathook and attacks them. Meanwhile a group of punks (which inexplicably includes 2 new wave kids and the typical "good Girl" cliche that seemingly every 80's movie Incorporated by senate order) are hanging out in a cemetery, doing typical punk things drinking, smoking, talking about being eaten alive while stripping naked - you know, the kinda shit Punk kids do. When Zombies show up, people get deaded (to borrow a phrase) until the Govt decides to Nuke the town....oh, uh.....spoiler alert I guess. This movie plays with the Romero rules a bit. It was the first (that I know of) to use fast zombies, make them talk, and state their prime directive as feasting on Brains. It also features an awesome soundtrack features songs by the Cramps, TSOL, and the Damned to name a few. Like the other films on this list, it does a great job of mixing the serious with the ridiculous and features copious amounts of gore, and even gratuitous nudity. What set's it apart is the strength of the special effects. For the 80's the effects are remarkably well put together and produce lasting images. The tank zombie is creepy as hell, the devouring of "Trash" (a character name, this is what movie executives thought punk rockers were like) is actually quite haunting, and the bisected dog is gross to say the least. The pacing is as quick as the zombies, and you'll move from screaming to laughing at the drop of a hat. At once you are horrified at a zombie horde devouring a team of paramedics, but at the next your laughing at the "Send more cops" distress call. It's great for a saturday night flick with your most talkative friends. Mysty the damn thing for the full effect.

Stay tuned for Part 2. Coming Soon.

A little weirdness to hold you over.

Been Pretty Busy recently, what with looking for a job in a city I've never lived in, packing all of my shit , and finalizing everything for our trip back home, so I've been neglecting this thing for a little while. I hope that changes soon, but until then, here's a bit of J-weirdness to hold you over. Enjoy!

The Japanese Razor Ramon - and other goodies from J-TV

If you think about Japanese pop-culture, what tends to come to mind? Karaoke? Godzilla? Advanced Technology? An unhealthy obsession with school girls? If I traveled a little further down the line, eventually we would arrive at Crazy TV. America has the conception that Japan is the land of the wacky game show! A land where contestants have to gargle marshmellow fluff while being slapped in the balls by Gila monsters riding Asimo robots to the strains of Holy Diver.. I made the trip out here knowing a bit about game shows, anime, and the Samurai Drama Lone wolf and Cub - but I had heard legends of crazy, indescribable madness that only culture gaps and Japan's unique philosophy of "no half assing" can bring about. Thankfully when I arrived, Japan brought it's A-game on the weird shit front.

I'll start by mentioning that the production values of what little scripted television there is in Japan are awful. If you need a frame of reference, they rank somewhere between the CCtv broadcast of elementary school news and the shittier telenovelas on Univision. The sound mixing is also noticeably bad as well. It's one thing when the microphones are too low on your principal cast, but when the Background music (in a manner I can only deem as unintentional) drowns out the sounds of explosions and gun shots (Unless you're in Panama) you've got a serious problem (on second thought, that was a serious problem when it happened in Panama too).

Scripted drama in Japan is almost always cloned from the worst dregs of North American television. There are Dr. Shows that wish they were ER, Crime Dramas that look entirely lifted from Law and Order (or in some cases New York Undercover. Ewww), and Teen shows Teen Shows Teen Shows! They do borrow a bit from popular teen dramas ala 90210 or Degrassi, but have taken on their own sort of Weird Telenovela style mix of the absurd and the overly dramatic. The resulting mix is actually quite watchable, provided you have a penchant for deriding things you only barely understand...or are an MST3k fan.

But wait, my older readers (Dave, maybe? Not sure if anyone reads this thing yet), you say "but what about the Super hot variety shows?" Well Japan has you covered on all fronts you lucky so and so! Watching Japanese Basic cable for any stretch will land you upon any number of shows where minor Japanese celebrities watch things for your entertainment! If you are fortunate, it is a proper variety show in the vein of the Gong show, where a series of comedians have about 40 seconds to perform their acts finding themselves at the mercy of the panel of celebrity judges - who will make clever comments about the performers and eventually select a winner for the evening. Of these shows, the king is "Bakusho Red Carpet" which spawns many of the more successful comedians who will later judge the program themselves. There are too many pretenders to the throne to try and create a list, but to be honest this class of show is far too rare for my taste. More often, the celebrities are just watching commercials or - even worse - just eating. Now I don't mean like fear factor where they are eating a plate of goat anuses to raise awareness of chicken rabies or something, no it's just normal damn food. They try to play it up as some dramatic action, complete with cliffhanger act breaks after they take their first bite. What inevitably follows after the 8 or so pachinko adds you sit through, is the celebrity saying "Oishi (delicious)" and eating the rest. These shows are - of course - quite popular.

If you stay up a bit later you find yourself in a different strata of strange. Razor Ramon Hard Gay is a professional wrestler, a comedian, and seemingly all around fun guy. If you've seen any professional wrestling in the past 20 or so years, you can probably imagine what he's like in the ring. He uses his androgyny to distract his opponents and basically makes the audience laugh/boo his overall gayness. American wrestling has tried this sort of thing a few times before, with nowhere near the success of HG. He escaped the trappings of being a wrestler and became a highly successful television personality - appearing on many of the aforementioned variety shows, developing his own enormous fan following - culminating in his own late night show that combines Howard Stern style interviews (the usual cavalcade of strippers, porn stars, and other weirdos of a sexual nature) with film/game reviews, skits, and musical performances. Oh and before you ask, yes those reviews are of Porn. Yes the games too. No, it isn't gay porn. Yes, they do show clips during their review. No, the clips aren't censored. All of this, and he's not even really gay - a little bit of news which broke a friend of mine's heart. His show is pretty fun, and in no way hampered by the fact that I only kind of understand what is being said. In all honesty, if any Japanese comedian were going to make it in the states, I think HG would have the best chance. Well, him or this dude.

When I head back to the states, the unsure economy will probably prevent me from having cable for a good while. I'm 100% positive that American television won't be able to compete with the magical nonsense I've witnessed here. Now If you'll excuse me, I have to catch a man in a panda suit play a Neon genesis Evangelion pachinko game while celebrities watch. That last bit is not actually a joke, that is in fact what is currently on.

Japan, You...man, you were so close.

Did you ever watch a game show where the contestant absolutely kicks ass for the first round, Routes the second, and looks so promising in the bonus... only to fail as miserably as possible? And you know that when they go home all of their friends are like "how'd you miss that last question, Steve?" and Steve probably tries to play it off, with "oh, I'm happy I made it that far, it was a great experience." but deep down he's kicking himself for thinking that Sydney was the capital of Australia, so now he drinks himself to sleep every night - forever hearing that sad "you lose" music that haunts all failed game show contestants.

Well...in certain respects, Japan is that guy.

Allow me to explain. Japan is an amazing country overflowing with a rich history, a storied culture, and much to be admired by all people. But the Japanese work ethic is....well.....more ravenous than the 6 O'clock rush at the Tallahassee Golden Coral. As such they don't half-ass anything. Which -like Japan itself - is both admirable, and leads to strange versions of normal things.

Say for example Pizza. Stolen from the Italian Pizza Pie, pizza is an American staple that's well loved the world over. Whether you're getting a slice at a local favorite, or using that coupon for free cheese-sticks at Poppa John's - you pretty much know what you're getting into. Some kind of bread, Tomato sauce, cheese and some kind of topping. What do you get on your pie? Pepperoni? Mushrooms? Onions, peppers? Or maybe you think yourself adventurous and order a Hawaiian? How do you fuck up something so Simple?

The answer: Mayonaise. Well, not just Mayonaise...

Pizza in Japan is this horrific cacophony of things god never intended to be on a damn pizza. I've been here for 10 months and hardly seen a slice not slathered in mayo, speckled with corn, and toped with some kind of fish. What's that you say, you like fish? That doesn't sound so bad? Well good, you can have a fine fish slurry instead of tomato sauce. But fish isn't strange enough? No problem, just load some squid on top of that slice and your good to go. It's not all bad actually. Curry Pizza is a surprisingly awesome alternative to your typical "Italian Sauce, Bread" meal. Except when it's covered in eggplant, hard boiled eggs and carrots. You can pick one of those up at Pizza Hut. Hell, if you did you could get a seaweed, lemon rind, and sausage for half price.

How about movies you say? Almost single handedly keeping the economy of California alive for decades, movies represent an escape from the pressures of reality on a level unprecedented in the world of modern fiction. A night at the movies is the golden standard of first dates for young couples, shoot the government even picks a handful of films every year to place in a national vault to preserve them in the event that the aliens destroy all video stores in the world (or something, I kinda detest the notion of government art). Shoot, there's a reason that every social networking and dating website has a tab for musical preference. (I suppose twitter breaks that rule, but twitter serves the duality of being simultaneously minimalist and mind bogglingly invasive). So what does Japan do wrong here?

The Answer; cut and paste movies

Every few months there is a new vogue for movie motifs. Currently its the pseudo-slapstick homoerotic coming of age sports drama. There have been several of this ilk coming out around every few months or so. When we first arrived it was manga adaptations which was mildly interesting (hell I still want to see the 21st Century boys trilogy). Then there's the unnecessary adulation for western film stars. Especially Brad Pitt and Cameron Diaz, who are on billboards, tv commercials and subway adds everywhere promoting cellphones, cars, etc. On the other hand, there are some positives. The animation industry is totally legit and produces some works of art that are more compelling than anything live action; we get a decent amount of foreign films here that I might not've been able to see in the states; and hell movie theater pop-corn is cheap as sin (about a buck fifty for a large - read american medium - bag of popcorn). Of course popcorn would have to be cheap - it costs 20 bucks per ticket for a daytime showing. Yeah that's right, and guess what, they're all daytime shows - the damn theater closes at 9. That's not the last showing, thats the time the employees go home.

The last thing I'll mention is not so kid friendly, but hey I guess it is my blog. Sexuality - that is to say dating and mating and all the accoutrement that comes with it. In the states, most of Europe, latin America...pretty much everywhere except Asia and the Middle-east, affections can and often are displayed publicly. It's not uncommon to hear people say "I love you," or for people to openly discuss relationship issues. When people are attracted to one another - typically - one of the people involved makes some kind of suggestively sexy gesture to let the other person know that they are interested. In modern times women have grown to be about as aggressive in their pursuits as men - at times even more so. I know what you're saying. But Asian women are beautiful and exotic! How could they mess something up in the sexuality area?

In a word: Temerity.

I bet someone thought I was going to say tentacles. People in Japan can be quite physically attractive. The men are typically well built, and girls have a penchant for wearing short skirts and thigh high stockings. But the thing is, people just don't seem to know the difference between awkwardly suggestive and sexy. No lie, you see )ahem( girly magazines that are littered with bust girls in some sort of coitus-anticipating pose, and often covered in some form of translucent liquid - but they would be drawn. As for the live action women on the magazine next to that one? Well she has this awkward mix of fear and boredom in her eyes that doesn't exactly scream "hello boys." If I had to find a reason, perhaps it's because people in Japan are wickedly polite. So small surprise that all aspects of people's love lives are a touch restrained. People don't say I love you...like, seemingly ever. There's been a rash of older age divorce because retiring husbands realize they don't actually know much about their wives - since they spent all their time at work, and no time at home. Being spoken for, I don't know much about J-dating first hand, but I have it on good authority that "doing the do" with a Japanese man is a touch....jarring - and thanks to some very thin walls, I now know that ladies' (at least some of them) behaviour during the act is not unlike that in Japan's "Adult" cinema - which is to say full of crying. Yes, crying. Now aint that sexy?

Japan is still an amazing place, and I love so much about this country. Yet, sometimes you just want to pat it on the head and treat it like the kindergardener who got so excited to paint a rainbow that he mixed all of the colors into one gloppy brown mess that looks like a shit-smear smiley face with no eyes.: "Hey, good try, kid. Maybe next time, just settle down a little."